Journey to a healthy me

It's been a while since I've sat down and really thought about my goals for the next 6 months. I like to have goals, but it's been a little hectic the past year. Getting engaged, married, and buying a house in 11 months! Crazy I know, but God was in all of it. My life is far from perfect, and my walk with God hasn't been the strongest lately. I've let outside circumstances really control things, which is not like me. So my goals for the next 6 months are a mash of a lot of things. 1. Start running AGAIN! I miss it. My body misses it. It's going to be so challenging to start again, but I need to do it. 2. Eat healthy... I've lost touch with reality. From health issues to laziness and excuses I've kind of lost touch with healthy eating. I know I eat too many carbs... But I just love them! I'm slowly working on healthier choices and with running and healthy choices I know I'll feel better about myself. 3. Get back on track with Godly habits:...

A lot has happened since I last posted in April! We bought a house!!! It's a work in progress and definitely has been worth it though. We almost have our living room in one piece! Just some wainscoting and shiplap for a wall. It's been a good experience. We still have 4 rooms to work on. Some are just paint others are more wallpaper stripping 😰... My weight loss journey hasn't been going well. I'm at a bad place where I lost sight of my new lifestyle. Today has started off much better than the past. I took the day off work. I made eggs and sausage for breakfast and am enjoying a protein shake for lunch. We have dinner plans so I'm trying to behave a little bit this morning/ afternoon so I can thoroughly enjoy dinner. I'm considering today a starting over point. It's gotta happen for me to be happy. Is it going to be hard.... Yep. But will it be worth it.... Yes!

I know few people read my blog because I'm not very consistent in blogging in general. I hope I don't overshare. My last post in November was the start of a pretty bad downward spiral. Depression creeped up on me. I tried to just do what I know works, but nothing worked. I had no motivation to exercise in general or eat well. The scale is not my friend right now, but that was my own fault. I ate too much, didn't move enough, and didn't think that I'd be where I am today. My lowest weight was 156 pounds, and I wasn't happy there. My "happy weight" is about 168-175. I've gained about 30-35 pounds above that happy weight. It's been discouraging. Anxiety has been through the roof and the only way I've been dealing with it is laying down and sleeping. I'm shutting people out, not socializing at all. Last week I had some pretty scary side effects to a medication millions of women take everyday in one form or another. I was having pretty s...

As a school counselor, I'm here to help students, sometimes I being firm is important. But today I feel defeat. My feeling of defeat are not only in my career, but also my personal life. I finally stepped on the scale after getting married and the number staring back at me is not where I want to be... I am scared to go back to where I've been. I've had a lot of changes in my life attributing to that weight gain. Starting a new relationships, starting a lovely medication that has too many side effects to list, moving, getting married, and just trying to figure out a "normal" life. I feel defeat when it comes to eating well, exercising, and being myself. My clothes don't fit so I'm squeezing into clothes because I can't buy new clothes right now and don't want to admit defeat in having to buy bigger clothes. I'm trying so hard to just be "normal" but I can't be anything close to normal. I have to go back to trying to get my eating...

 ... I've gained weight back. At my lowest I weighed right about 156 pounds, which was about a 100 pound weight loss. Well I'm back up to 177 pounds, but as someone in my life keeps telling me, "Don't think about the weight you gained back. Think about the weight you've lost". So considering my starting weight was 256 pounds, I'm down 79 pounds all on my own without supplements, gimmicks, etc. With a 21 pound weight gain I haven't noticed it too much, except for some of my clothes don't fit too well and my body in the mirror makes me cringe a little. Vacation is coming up and I need to fit in my summer clothes. I can do it. I just can't beat myself up over making mistakes and getting out of routine. Depression has been pretty rough lately and anxiety has somewhat subsided. It's still rough some days when I think too much about things going on in my life. Things in my life are pretty good, minus some situations out of my control that I wil...

I don't know if it's state testing this week or a combination of everything going on, but I'm wondering if I've pigeon-holed myself into my career as a school counselor? Should I have not rushed to finish my degree? Should I have worked on being eligible to take the NCE? I don't want to spend anymore money. I'm already having to work in order to pay off my debt. I don't know how to get rid of it faster, except for working more, which will just wear me down even more. My food has been so off lately too. I hate what I see in the mirror and it's a huge struggle to get out of bed. It's hard knowing I've let myself fall backwards. I don't know. I was on track today, then of course sweets drag me down. I have to teach Zumba tomorrow and I don't feel like it... I need to learn new songs, but I don't know what to do to learn them and I feel that I'm not wanting to teach anymore. I love Zumba, but I don't know if it's something...

Have you ever caught yourself comparing yourself to everyone around you? I know I have. I've compared myself from a very young age. When I was young I lived in a trailer... Often people would judge people who lived in a trailer, calling them "trailer trash". We didn't have much growing up. I never really had the fanciest clothes, name brand clothes, or the newest gadgets. I'd compare my weight, athletic ability, intelligence, where I was at in life, my personality, my talents, and my financial situation. Problem is this comparison trap is still ingrained into us as human beings. We want the next best thing. We want the newest laptop, the newest cell phone, the newest tablet, the newest car, the newest tv, the newest furniture, the newest bike, the newest fad, the newest "you fill in the blank". We want a different name, a new family, a new home, new friends, a new school, new teachers, etc. Even to this day, I get stuck wanting to be thinner, more at...

For the past 2 weeks life has had its ups and downs... Actually the last 4 months have had their ups and downs. Since my last post my cousin, who was only 20, was killed in a car accident. I still keep hoping it's a nightmare. As I try and plan a family vacation, it's difficult thinking she won't be there... I keep thinking I'll go to her house and she'll be there. However she won't be. It's hard when you don't get to tell someone goodbye or that you love them as much as you do. I've also had some great stuff go on in my life. God was definitely in that and the bad. This person I've known for years finally caught my attention. The last 3 or 4 months have been pretty new and exciting and scary. Then the last 2 weeks have been awful. My hear races for no reason. I wake up anxious. I lose sleep. I'm sick to my stomach. It's unexplainable. It's tough when you have an inclining that it's Satan trying to attack. I'm in a good pla...

Today is Thanksgiving. At the beginning of the week, I wasn't looking forward to celebrating. All I had to do was change my perspective. I had to remind myself I'm thankful for family and friends. I'm thankful for the all the complicated things that come with family and with friends. I'm ok with that.  Today I'm thankful for my weight loss journey. I'm getting to a point that I am finally accepting who I see staring back at me in the mirror. Probably won't be happy in the morning after all the food I ate, but I just start back at it in the morning.  I'm thankful for new beginnings and everything that comes with those.  Happy Thanksgiving!

The last 3 years have been a roller coaster journey. I have lost 100 pounds (gained some back), finished my Masters Degree, received 3 promotions, including beginning my career as a School Guidance Counselor, and moved out of my parents house. Even with all of those positives I'm not where I want to be. I thought I would have met the man of my dreams by now and had gotten married. Instead I am single with no relationship on the horizon. It's discouraging when everything else has fallen into place but the thing you've longed for your entire life has not. The thing you pray God would bless you with just doesn't seem like it's happening. While everyone around me is beginning a new relationship, getting engaged, planning a wedding, getting married, thinking about starting a family, or having children, I'm sitting here wondering what's wrong with me. Have I done something to mess the prospect of having a relationship? Am I that undesirable? The last few weeks ...

I have discovered that after losing nearly 100 pounds my obsession with food is more difficult than ever before. When I was overweight I didn't "think" much about food. I just ate and ate and ate some more. I never really thought about calories, which is how I got to weigh over 250 pounds. However, now I obsess quite a bit about calories. I obsess over the calories I eat as well as the calories I burn from exercise... I obsess over what I put in my body, however, not in a good way... I count every calorie unless I'm binge eating then I just feel more obsessed and don't bother counting because I feel like I've failed.  I wish I could eat like a "normal" person and be able to enjoy everything in moderation. However, I don't know if I will ever be able to do that. As I sit here and type this I am waiting for my friends to leave my house so I can obsess over what I'm going to eat tomorrow.  In Matthew 6:25-34 it says  “Therefore I tell you, d...

I made some goals for March and so far I already dropped one of them... Taking my vitamins everyday. I have to figure out a way to remember to take them everyday. I just haven't figured that out yet.  With no binge eating... Well it's Day 14 and I am struggling!!! I feel so hungry. I had a light lunch because I have a bigger calorie dinner planned. Then I have oatmeal planned tonight after small group, where I hope they don't have snacks because I'm afraid I will binge. Social situations typically push me to binge or eat more than I would have. Last night I had friends come over. They were eating 3 to 4 pieces of pizza each... I had ONE and a salad. That was not my own will power though. God was helping me to make that decision to eat well. We had ice cream later... I weighed everything out to stay on target. It was tough, but it was worth it. I didn't work out yesterday or today and that is making me anxious because I don't like to not work out, but I know I...

I'm on Day 7 of not bingeing and it's getting tough. I've been working on some sample questions for the Praxis exam that I'm taking tomorrow. I just started studying yesterday and I'm getting pretty nervous about how I'm going to do. I need to study some more and I made a list of things I need to look at so that's what I'm going to do. However, I'm sitting here thinking about food and the chocolate in my cupboard that I haven't touched since I bought over a week ago is calling my name. I'm afraid if I start eating it, well I won't stop and it will probably be close to 1,000 calories or more of junk. I have chicken and veggies on the menu for dinner as well as oatmeal planned for a snack this evening. I have coffee brewing to hopefully help me be more alert and  make smart choices. I found this Almond Milk Creamer that has helped when I have a sweets craving. I typically drink my coffee black, but this is a treat, and it's pretty he...

For a while I have followed a ton of individuals on Instagram that are on a weight loss journey. Many of them make goals for each month. Well this month I decided to try this. March Goals: 1. Avoid Binge Eating- Now for me this can go from 0 to 100 in minutes. If I have a bad day I will just eat and eat and not stop. I will want more food even though I am completely full, but I connect feeling full with feeling happy... Bad connection. So far for March 2nd, 3rd, and 4th I have been successful. I've been planning my meals out an tracking them the night before (see number 4).  2. Drink 3 water bottles (21 ounces each) per day. Now today I desperately wanted to get my 3 in... Well I just chugged the remaining amount in my 3rd bottle right before bed... Bad idea I know. 3. Take vitamins daily- Well I'm already 1 for 3 on this one. My problem is I can't take them before I work out because I typically work out in the morning on an empty stomach, but I can't lug b...

You would think after losing close to 100 pounds that my relationship with food would have changed. However, right now I don't think it really has. I have found new foods that I enjoy and have learned to enjoy foods that I once abused. However, I still look to food for comfort. I still will grab something that looks good when I'm feeling down. I will eat even when I'm not necessarily hungry. I honestly am sick of feeling deprived with such low calories. I'm not quite happy with the weight I'm at, but I'm trying to accept it if I can't lose any more weight. I'm sabotaging myself even though I so badly want to lose more weight. Food has a grip on me and I'm struggling with self-control. This is where I'm at odds right now because of my faith. I lack self-control, which is a fruit of the spirit. I am a Christian, but my walk with Christ is horrible right now, and honestly has been for a long time. I just don't know where to start. Today I feel s...

I honestly don't take very many rest days. Usually Sundays I don't go to the gym but I tend to grocery shop and run errands. Today though, after only working a short shift, I rested. I listened to music, iced my knee (that's another post for another time), and reflected on this life I have been given. As I read a small devotional by A.W. Towzer about Christ loving the outcasts it reminded me lyrics from a song. ”Jesus loves the outcasts, he loves the ones the world just loves to hate ". This hits home. I was an outcast most of my life because of my weight and beliefs. Even today I feel like an outcast at times. It also reflects to my job. I work with a population that at times no one wants to work with. I just wish I could share Jesus with them and have them truly believe. Today I made positive food choices and I didn't even workout. 1350 is low but today was manageable. I need to find my rhythm again to eat well. There are too many temptations. Self control is so...

July 1, 2012 I made the decision that would ultimately change my life. I decided that I was going to take control of my health and weight. I woke up realizing I was sick and tired of the girl I kept seeing in the mirror. The smile on my face was fake. I remember the sizes all of the things I am wearing are. T-shirt was XXL, tank was XL, jeans were 20 short, the fleece was a men's XL, and my bra was most likely a snug 42 DD. Why do I remember the sizes? Probably because I was ashamed of the size I was. I was ashamed of the person I allowed myself to become. I hated that I allowed myself to get to a point of pure unhappiness where I honestly hated myself. Fast forward 2.5 years and I see a different person in the mirror. I see a young woman who smiles. I see a young woman that feels that she has worth. I see a young woman who feels more confident. I know the exact sizes I'm wearing in both pictures of me now... Is that bad? I don't think so. I know what I weigh ...

Since starting my journey in July 2012 my friend group has shrunk. Now there is not a direct correlation between losing friends and my weight loss journey. Some have moved, others have gotten married and fallen off the face of the earth (I'm a strong independent single woman if you haven't figured that out. Not that I'm opposed to getting married, I just haven't met the right person), people have changed churches, and my friends including myself have gotten new jobs that involve more responsibility. Anyways. Back in 2007/2008 I started to go to a new church. I really liked it A LOT. Then when my sister graduated she started attending in 2009ish. We've both stayed at the church, but right now I'm stuck because "my friends" don't hang out with me anymore... They hang out with my sister. I find things out through social media that I'm not invited to get coffee, yet almost EVERY Saturday these same people want to hang out at my apartment because 1....

I have been trying to pinpoint what went wrong with my journey. I'm stuck. I just identified what has trumped me... The Food Scale.  I got a scale for my birthday to weigh my food because I had read that it was more accurate. Well since I got the scale I feel more deprived. Now this probably isn't the case for everyone, but it is for me. I am going to eat what I want without weighing. I'm going back to old fashioned measuring cups and seeing if that helps me to be able to stay on target. So I packed my lunch for tomorrow WITHOUT weighing my peanut butter, carrots, and grapes. I simply threw some in a bag and have them for lunch tomorrow. I'm going to try this. I've been very off since April with my weight loss journey. This is the only thing I can identify, oh and that I'm done with grad school, but I think obsessing over weighing my food is not beneficial for my weightloss journey. Now it may be different for each one of you, but for me this is what I'm goi...

I took quite the break from eating well and exercising consistently. I just finished day 5 of eating under my calories. I exercised 3 days and have now proven to myself I can run for 31 minutes without stopping! I bought a new bike and cannot wait for it to warm up. Better nutrition is helping me feel so much better. Anxiety has still been rough. Thinking about everything I need to do this week is slightly overwhelming, but I got it. I am at a 94.6 pound weight loss as of yesterday. I want to reach 100 by April 1st. I would love to reach my goal weight of between 135-140 by June 1st. If I don't its OK, but would love to by July 1st to celebrate my 2nd year on this journey at my goal weight. The end is in sight and I can taste it!