Obsessed
I have discovered that after losing nearly 100 pounds my obsession with food is more difficult than ever before. When I was overweight I didn't "think" much about food. I just ate and ate and ate some more. I never really thought about calories, which is how I got to weigh over 250 pounds. However, now I obsess quite a bit about calories. I obsess over the calories I eat as well as the calories I burn from exercise... I obsess over what I put in my body, however, not in a good way... I count every calorie unless I'm binge eating then I just feel more obsessed and don't bother counting because I feel like I've failed.
I wish I could eat like a "normal" person and be able to enjoy everything in moderation. However, I don't know if I will ever be able to do that. As I sit here and type this I am waiting for my friends to leave my house so I can obsess over what I'm going to eat tomorrow.
In Matthew 6:25-34 it says “Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble."
Why do I worry? I know that I will always have enough food and I know I will always have clothes to wear. Look at what is written "... and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all." He's MY heavenly Father! He knows what I need. How can I apply this though? How can I stop obsessing over calories. I thought I could tell myself think about how wonderful your body is and how it works so well to do what it needs... I thought I could tell myself to think about nourishing your body, but I haven't been able to come to terms with that yet.
Right now I need to take it one step at a time. I'm still counting calories and tracking calories burned from exercise because I don't know quite what to do. I'm not looking forward to weighing myself tomorrow because I have binged A LOT over the past couple of weeks. My vacation is coming up and I want to feel better about myself. I look in the mirror and see the damage that the binge eating has left behind. The loose skin, the stretch marks, and the insecurities that clothing covers. People tell me how good I look and all I see is the flab underneath the clothes. It's tough to accept yourself and the insecurities. I know that God made me in his image, but I have a hard time accepting that the outward flaws were designed by God... Someday I hope I can look in the mirror and accept that I am fearfully and wonderfully made by The Creator of the universe. I don't see anything wrong with continuing to push myself to be the best version of myself that I can be through diet and exercise.
I pray that I can accept me for me. I know I am going to continue to strive to be the best I can be and taking care of the body that God is renting to me on Earth.
I wish I could eat like a "normal" person and be able to enjoy everything in moderation. However, I don't know if I will ever be able to do that. As I sit here and type this I am waiting for my friends to leave my house so I can obsess over what I'm going to eat tomorrow.
In Matthew 6:25-34 it says “Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble."
Why do I worry? I know that I will always have enough food and I know I will always have clothes to wear. Look at what is written "... and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all." He's MY heavenly Father! He knows what I need. How can I apply this though? How can I stop obsessing over calories. I thought I could tell myself think about how wonderful your body is and how it works so well to do what it needs... I thought I could tell myself to think about nourishing your body, but I haven't been able to come to terms with that yet.
Right now I need to take it one step at a time. I'm still counting calories and tracking calories burned from exercise because I don't know quite what to do. I'm not looking forward to weighing myself tomorrow because I have binged A LOT over the past couple of weeks. My vacation is coming up and I want to feel better about myself. I look in the mirror and see the damage that the binge eating has left behind. The loose skin, the stretch marks, and the insecurities that clothing covers. People tell me how good I look and all I see is the flab underneath the clothes. It's tough to accept yourself and the insecurities. I know that God made me in his image, but I have a hard time accepting that the outward flaws were designed by God... Someday I hope I can look in the mirror and accept that I am fearfully and wonderfully made by The Creator of the universe. I don't see anything wrong with continuing to push myself to be the best version of myself that I can be through diet and exercise.
I pray that I can accept me for me. I know I am going to continue to strive to be the best I can be and taking care of the body that God is renting to me on Earth.
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